World Suicide Prevention Day
Trigger warning: Suicide
“But the absolute worst part of depression is that even though you know you’re depressed, you’re unable to stop yourself from getting worse.”
– Rue from Euphoria
I don’t like to think about 2013 often, though some may say that it’s the year that saved my life, it was also the year that almost took it.
September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day and on that day there’s always so much discussion about what we can do to help those that are struggling. The resources are out there but I personally think that the thing that helps the most is actually talking about the topic. Here’s my story:
Since my diagnosis of clinical depression, I’ve realized that I’ve struggled with it for most of my life but in 2013 I couldn’t have told you what I was dealing with. I was a shell of a human that zombied through life with zero impact on anything that surrounded her. My memory is fuzzy as to how things got so bad but I had isolated myself from most people, I put zero effort into the work I was doing and I spent most of my late nights considering the what if …
What if I ended my misery? What if I just called it quits? What if I actually just swallow these pills and commit suicide? It’s the word that feels monumental to say out loud, but acknowledging it is necessary. Though I’ve discussed this part of my life often, I still find myself embarrassed to admit to this version of myself. The ugly truth is that there was one specific night where a bottle of pills felt heavy with possibilities on the palm of my hand. It was the middle of the night when the tears wouldn’t stop running down my face while I aimlessly watched YouTube videos and suddenly the thought crept in: what if I just do it? What if I just give up?
Everyone say, “Thank you Jason Mraz”. In that moment of helplessness I happened to click on a random YouTube video and it was Jason Mraz playing an acoustic version of his song, “I Won’t Give Up”. Specifically, it was this video:
I fell asleep listening to that song and shortly after that day I decided to finally get some help. Countless appointments with psychologists and psychotherapists later and I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety. I had a name for what I was feeling and though it’s been a treacherous road, the road away from that moment has absolutely been worth taking.
I don’t think about 2013 often, I actually physically shake my head with shame when the memories hit but lately I’ve been trying to think back to that time with a bit of love. While fully aware that this page is slowly becoming a Nicola Porcella fan account, it must be said that he’s the reason why I’ve chosen to revisit that time in my life and why I’ve decided that I need to be kinder to that version of myself.
@fuegorealityy La depresion es fuerte #teaminfierno🔥😈 #nicolaporcella #wendyguevaraoficial #ponchodenigris #army #casadelosfamososmex2023 #emilioosorio #sergiomayer #viral ♬ sonido original – Fuego Reality
Nicola spoke about his suicide attempt multiple times throughout his time on Celebrity Big Brother Mexico. He shared with the other contestants how he got to that point and what he’s doing now to help his diagnosis. These conversations are necessary and in a culture that so often tells us that it’s best to keep some things hidden, these conversations can actually save lives. I’m often an open book, my feelings are rarely hard to decipher but this topic specifically is still hard for me to navigate. I’m still learning how to accept the darkest parts of myself and watching someone do it on a show that became a global phenomenon, has been extremely impactful. On the show we got to watch Nicola regain his self-esteem and forgive himself for his past mistakes. His behavior toward himself taught us all an important lesson: it is never too late to learn how to love yourself. By being so open about the medication he takes and the side effects they have on him, he allowed for acceptance on topics that are so often only whispered about.
I’ve always attached shame to my 2013. The thing is, I’ve forgotten that I should be proud of myself for crawling out of the darkness. Learning to navigate my highs and lows has often been complicated, but I keep trying and I keep showing up for myself. I do still feel weak when I think about how low I fell in 2013 but I realize that making it to 2023 is what confirms that I have always been a strong person.
So here’s to the people that almost didn’t make it and here’s to those that had the darkness overcome them. In a world that is so often working against us, all we can do is try our hardest and be proud of wherever that takes us.
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health issues, please get help. I promise it’s the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself and for the people that love you.
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