Sometimes I fear that by the time I reach the end of my life, I still won’t have felt the full weight of the grief I was left with when I lost my best friend from High School.
Music has helped me navigate so many life lessons, so it’s no surprise that a song is helping me celebrate my friend on the anniversary of his death. My relationship with Julian was surrounded by music; the soundtrack to our lives was full of Simple Plan, Jagged Edge and Mariah Carey (to name a few). We used to spend countless hours in his house hunched over his computer and laughing until our sides hurt while he would burn me a CD. Sometimes the CD’s consisted of songs that I requested and sometimes, on the very special days, I would get CD’s of music that he thought I would like.
There was a song for every important moment of our lives, which should tell you something about the stacks of CDs I had in my room because back then everything felt monumental. There was a song for the moment that I realized how special he was to me. There was a song for the first girlfriend that got between us. There was a song for when I hated him. There was a song for when he hated me. There was a song for when we had our first big fight. Music allowed us to communicate, back when our teenage brains refused to say everything we wanted to.
We weren’t speaking during the last years of his life; it got too complicated to try to fit each other into our lives and that by far, is my biggest regret in life. Which may be why my grief has felt so overwhelmingly sad throughout the years. Thankfully, the right music has always found its way to me.
Bishop Briggs released her single “High Water” on June 15. The single describes her relationship with her sister and what Bishop has felt since losing her to cancer. Her lyrics are so specific to her experience yet somehow, when I listen to the song it feels like Bishop is comforting me about my personal story and that right there is the power of music.
I hate that I lost you when I’m not lost anymore
And I hate that I’ve got to let go of what I adore
I think the hardest part about grief is the fact that the world keeps turning. There’s a frustration that comes from realizing that so little has changed since your person stopped being present in this world. Julian passed while my life was tumultuous and my life decisions were often wrong; I didn’t know where I was headed and I had no confidence in who I was. He wouldn’t recognize the woman I am today and I think that’s what hurts the most.
The layers of grief truly feel never-ending and because I feel like so much was left unsaid, I fear that I may never get to experience it all. Grief is such a necessary part of life and it is so easy to feel alone in the thick of it, I’m so glad I found Bishop’s music for the days where it all feels unbearable. Her voice is magnetic and heartbreaking to listen to but the healing journey she takes you on is absolutely worth taking.
So today in celebration of Julian, I encourage you to reach out to someone you may have lost touch with and remind them how much they mattered to you at one point. Say what you mean, when you mean to say it because you never know when you will run out of chances to make up for lost time.
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